Monday, May 25, 2009

Peace in a Piece of Chocolate

This is just a little thought. It occurred to me this morning that I need to find peace in the little things and not dwell on what I can not change. This is definitely not 'new' news, I just apparently needed to wake up at 4 a.m. and figure it out.

I have been slammed right in the face with life since I started my new job several weeks ago and have not had much time to do much of anything. Then right in the middle of it all, my ex boyfriend (the one that cheated) calls me from a blocked number and wants to talk. He goes on an on about how he is sorry and still loves me, cares, etc and wants to get along because we had five years together. I am sorry, but he should have thought about that when he was with the other women and telling the pastor that I was causing problems. I told him if he is that sorry he can talk to the pastor and not to call me back. He called back two more times...

This is not something I want to deal with anymore, I just want to be done. When I met Mr Wonderful I realized how I was selling myself short by settling for someone that was so abusive to me. I had previously been advised by two elders in my church to keep records of the contact and go to the pastor with it, now I have been advised not to. I have also been advised to not tell anyone I am in a new relationship among other things.

It occurred to me sitting in church yesterday, WHY? Why am I still catering to this man? Why am I still protecting him when all he did was hurt me? Why do I have to still lie and cover up for him? Why do I have to worry about him when it is clear he never worried about me? WHY? I shouldn't. (Notice that period)

I shouldn't. If someone asks me a direct question, I should be allowed to answer. I should be able to say, yes he is still calling me, but I have moved on. I should be able to say that I am dating. I should be able to have a piece of peace without having to worry about it. Life is too short. I got five years taken that I can't get back because a man was not man enough to do the right thing when he had the chance. Why should I have to continue to suffer? I shouldn't. I should be able to enjoy a piece of chocolate in peace.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Breaking Chocolate

How do you tell your heart to let go of something when it is all you have ever wanted? That is what I am facing now, and the sad thing is, so is he.

A little over a month ago I met and started dating the most wonderful man. I feel like God brought him into my life to show me that I deserve better then how I was before. I do not have to settle for being hit, lied to, cheated on, controlled or disrespected. He showed me that there are men who are kind and loving, affectionate and caring, men who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Our relationship has been great, we are completely comfortable around each other and have discussed many times how amazed we are that we blend so well together. Monday night was great, we talked and talked on the phone and at the end of the night said our good night as usual.
My womanly intuition kicked in Tuesday that something was amiss, but I had to go another day before I heard anything from Mr. Wonderful. After work, something told me to go home and check my email; sure enough, I had a 'Dear Jane' email in my inbox. The email had the expected, it is not you, I want to be single and I do not want to hurt you. Nothing he said made sense. My heart broke into pieces like chocolate, and fell upon the floor. What happened? I called and had to leave a voicemail, if he was going to do this then he could at least do it in person. I sent a reply to his email, and drove to church.

As I suspected, when I got back home there was another email from him saying he would talk to me, he was upset as well and needed to get himself together and he would be in touch. I got up the next morning and sent him a quick email that I would leave him to sort things out and I would drop off his things in his truck and wait to hear back. I heard back immediately that he was coming to talk.

When he showed up, he grabbed me in his arms, held me, and told me how sorry he was. He explained, he was still in love with his ex wife and needed to resolve those feeling before continuing with me. How could I blame him? I have been there myself. We agreed to take things one day at a time. My heart was broken, how could I let go of this man? Then I thought of him and the anguish he must be feeling. I know from our conversations that he really cares for me, and I can only imagine how torn he must be.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I can only pray at this point. God brought him into my life for a reason, maybe just to show me that there are better men out there then the ones in my past. I pray that he brought Mr. Wonderful into my life for something more. My bigger prayer is for him though, to have healing and peace to let go. As he held me, I could feel him trembling and it hurt me to know how hurt and confused he is. He truly is wonderful and deserves to be happy. I had held onto the hope for over three years that the love I gave would be returned; I stopped living my life because I could not give up hope. Mr. Wonderful is holding onto hope as well. How do you tell your heart to let go of something when it is all you have ever wanted? The answer is to have faith in God.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cheap Chocolate

I can't stand when people are cheap! Especially fathers! It is one thing to be wise with your money, it is quite another to be a fool! My ex is a fool and it is costing him the kids!

"like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11

How can a man claim to be changed yet repeat the same thing over and over and never learn from it? I do not get how a father can not put his children first. Over the years he has shown time after time that his wants and desires are more important then his children's needs.

The final straws were this year when he asked me to give him $500.00 to pay off his back child support (not including the hundreds of dollars it is costing me in late fees), so I gave it to him. The money is 'gone' but the back child support never got paid. When I lost my job, I could not get assistance because my ex owed!

This weekend he decided to pull our son off his baseball team. His reasoning is that our son sits on the bench too much. My ex then decides to chastise me for 'not making an effort' because I went camping and missed two games, as punishment he is refusing to give me back the baseball equipment, so now I get to go out and buy more equipment. Let me see, who is not making an effort? And what message does that send our son, let him quit the team and not 'make an effort' to finish something he starts, and on top of that, not 'make an effort' to allow him that opportunity!

My ex is cheap chocolate. I pray that he changes and that God works in him, but I know that he has to see there is a problem and my ex does not see anything wrong with the way he is, so my children suffer. Lord help me for being angry, it is just wrong to make children suffer at your own foolishness.