Monday, May 25, 2009

Peace in a Piece of Chocolate

This is just a little thought. It occurred to me this morning that I need to find peace in the little things and not dwell on what I can not change. This is definitely not 'new' news, I just apparently needed to wake up at 4 a.m. and figure it out.

I have been slammed right in the face with life since I started my new job several weeks ago and have not had much time to do much of anything. Then right in the middle of it all, my ex boyfriend (the one that cheated) calls me from a blocked number and wants to talk. He goes on an on about how he is sorry and still loves me, cares, etc and wants to get along because we had five years together. I am sorry, but he should have thought about that when he was with the other women and telling the pastor that I was causing problems. I told him if he is that sorry he can talk to the pastor and not to call me back. He called back two more times...

This is not something I want to deal with anymore, I just want to be done. When I met Mr Wonderful I realized how I was selling myself short by settling for someone that was so abusive to me. I had previously been advised by two elders in my church to keep records of the contact and go to the pastor with it, now I have been advised not to. I have also been advised to not tell anyone I am in a new relationship among other things.

It occurred to me sitting in church yesterday, WHY? Why am I still catering to this man? Why am I still protecting him when all he did was hurt me? Why do I have to still lie and cover up for him? Why do I have to worry about him when it is clear he never worried about me? WHY? I shouldn't. (Notice that period)

I shouldn't. If someone asks me a direct question, I should be allowed to answer. I should be able to say, yes he is still calling me, but I have moved on. I should be able to say that I am dating. I should be able to have a piece of peace without having to worry about it. Life is too short. I got five years taken that I can't get back because a man was not man enough to do the right thing when he had the chance. Why should I have to continue to suffer? I shouldn't. I should be able to enjoy a piece of chocolate in peace.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Breaking Chocolate

How do you tell your heart to let go of something when it is all you have ever wanted? That is what I am facing now, and the sad thing is, so is he.

A little over a month ago I met and started dating the most wonderful man. I feel like God brought him into my life to show me that I deserve better then how I was before. I do not have to settle for being hit, lied to, cheated on, controlled or disrespected. He showed me that there are men who are kind and loving, affectionate and caring, men who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Our relationship has been great, we are completely comfortable around each other and have discussed many times how amazed we are that we blend so well together. Monday night was great, we talked and talked on the phone and at the end of the night said our good night as usual.
My womanly intuition kicked in Tuesday that something was amiss, but I had to go another day before I heard anything from Mr. Wonderful. After work, something told me to go home and check my email; sure enough, I had a 'Dear Jane' email in my inbox. The email had the expected, it is not you, I want to be single and I do not want to hurt you. Nothing he said made sense. My heart broke into pieces like chocolate, and fell upon the floor. What happened? I called and had to leave a voicemail, if he was going to do this then he could at least do it in person. I sent a reply to his email, and drove to church.

As I suspected, when I got back home there was another email from him saying he would talk to me, he was upset as well and needed to get himself together and he would be in touch. I got up the next morning and sent him a quick email that I would leave him to sort things out and I would drop off his things in his truck and wait to hear back. I heard back immediately that he was coming to talk.

When he showed up, he grabbed me in his arms, held me, and told me how sorry he was. He explained, he was still in love with his ex wife and needed to resolve those feeling before continuing with me. How could I blame him? I have been there myself. We agreed to take things one day at a time. My heart was broken, how could I let go of this man? Then I thought of him and the anguish he must be feeling. I know from our conversations that he really cares for me, and I can only imagine how torn he must be.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I can only pray at this point. God brought him into my life for a reason, maybe just to show me that there are better men out there then the ones in my past. I pray that he brought Mr. Wonderful into my life for something more. My bigger prayer is for him though, to have healing and peace to let go. As he held me, I could feel him trembling and it hurt me to know how hurt and confused he is. He truly is wonderful and deserves to be happy. I had held onto the hope for over three years that the love I gave would be returned; I stopped living my life because I could not give up hope. Mr. Wonderful is holding onto hope as well. How do you tell your heart to let go of something when it is all you have ever wanted? The answer is to have faith in God.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cheap Chocolate

I can't stand when people are cheap! Especially fathers! It is one thing to be wise with your money, it is quite another to be a fool! My ex is a fool and it is costing him the kids!

"like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11

How can a man claim to be changed yet repeat the same thing over and over and never learn from it? I do not get how a father can not put his children first. Over the years he has shown time after time that his wants and desires are more important then his children's needs.

The final straws were this year when he asked me to give him $500.00 to pay off his back child support (not including the hundreds of dollars it is costing me in late fees), so I gave it to him. The money is 'gone' but the back child support never got paid. When I lost my job, I could not get assistance because my ex owed!

This weekend he decided to pull our son off his baseball team. His reasoning is that our son sits on the bench too much. My ex then decides to chastise me for 'not making an effort' because I went camping and missed two games, as punishment he is refusing to give me back the baseball equipment, so now I get to go out and buy more equipment. Let me see, who is not making an effort? And what message does that send our son, let him quit the team and not 'make an effort' to finish something he starts, and on top of that, not 'make an effort' to allow him that opportunity!

My ex is cheap chocolate. I pray that he changes and that God works in him, but I know that he has to see there is a problem and my ex does not see anything wrong with the way he is, so my children suffer. Lord help me for being angry, it is just wrong to make children suffer at your own foolishness.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Perfect Chocolate

Without a doubt, perfect chocolate is different for everyone. We all have different tastes and likes, so what pleases me may not please my friends. What is it that makes up the perfect chocolate? Quality ingredients. What makes the perfect man is the same. Okay so there is no perfect man, we all know that by now, and if you did not I am sorry to burst your bubble.

I have been seeing a man for several weeks, he is a gentleman, kind and affectionate, the list of qualities goes on and on, and I could go on and on but I do not want you to be jealous. HAHA! A week ago, he tells me he absolutely adores me but needs to end things because he is bad for me and the timing just is not right. Whoa! Wait! What?

I listened to his reasons and at the end of the conversation, we agreed to take things one day at a time and give him space to think. By the third day, I told him that his plan was all wrong and he needed to come up with a new plan that included me. After all, when you find great chocolate you eat it up right. I was not about to walk away from a good thing!

My last relationship was the exact opposite, I spent five years with him cheating on me, three of those years, and he never admitted publicly that he was in a relationship with me, he never took me on dates, and I cannot remember the last compliment he gave me. I felt neglected, abused, controlled and not worthy of his time, attention or affection.

Friday evening, he asked me if I could get a babysitter and join him and his friends camping, the plans just fell into place and I was able to spend time getting to know him even better and I must say I am so blessed. As I sat next to ‘my man’ on the picnic table while he shelled pistachios for me to eat. He got up and got me a soda cleaned it off and opened it for me. I turned to him and asked if he was just trying to impress me and if this special treatment would wear off in a few months, and his answer was “what you see is what you get, you deserve to be treated this way and it is not going to stop”.

We all know that you cannot look your best when you are camping. The moment I knew, he had ‘quality ingredients’ was when I emerged from my tent and he was standing there looking at me with the biggest smile on his face. My first thought was how he was about to start laughing at how horrific I look in the morning with my hair curled up all over and completely gone wild. I took one look at him and said ’okay you can run away now’ He laughed and said ’you look amazing’.

I did not look anything near amazing, but in his eyes, I did. That is what it all comes down to. The beauty of a person is not just found in that person, it exists in the eyes of the world. God created each one of us from the same basic ingredients, but how we come together to be the person we are is a work in progress. The beauty that is in us is there no matter what, but the people we interact with are what bring it out of us.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

God tells us that beauty should not be worn on the outside, instead what makes us beautiful should come from within, it is our ingredients, stirred together to make us who we are. I can look back and see that there was no beauty coming from my last relationship, the ingredients mixed together made anything but perfect chocolate. Beauty comes from our inner ingredients that are brought to the surface by getting jut the right mix, two people who compliment each other and blend together create ‘perfect chocolate’.

Monday, April 20, 2009


What defines us are our ingredients, what we are made of makes us who we are. A few months ago a dear friend of mine told me she was done being friends with me with no reason or explanation, she was just done. I tried so hard to figure it out but could not draw any conclusions as to why, other then she was struggling and could not deal with things.

Yesterday she came to me and asked to talk; she wanted the opportunity to tell me what had happened. I listened to her and soon found that what I had thought was true, she just checked out because it was easier for her to handle things that way. She knew me well enough that I would not judge her and that I would forgive her. She knew what I was made of, what my ingredients were.

At the end of the conversation, she told me “Thanks for understanding. That is your gift from God and you do it well.” It really meant a lot to hear her say that. I try to be a reasonable person and understand people. What drives them to do things? Why do bad things happen? After all God calls us to be forgiving and understanding. Sometimes it is hard to have that ability, more often then not I end up being hurt and let down. However, yesterday God gave me back a good friendship, my reward for being patient.

It was funny because another friend opened up yesterday too. She told me how in church she had been thinking about how my ex boyfriend had hurt me with the things he had done. In addition, how it had affected so many of my relationships with people in the church. She was thankful to be my friend and see me reap the rewards God is giving me. She could not help but think about the others who have judged me and turned their backs on me and are missing out on the blessings because they chose to believe the lies and gossip about me.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not patting myself on the back. I am fully aware I am a sinner. Sometimes it takes going through a trial to find out what our ingredients are. God is funny like that, he does not make us and say ‘here you go, this is your recipe. This is who you are and what you are made of so you know how to deal with life’. Instead, He gave us His word, repeatedly in the scriptures He tells us to be like him; 2 Corinthians 3:18; Galatians 4:19; Romans 8:29; Ephesians 4:13 Romans 12:2. Ephesians 4: 23-24 “to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness“.

I would like to think that two of my ingredients are grace and faith; they are what I strive for in my walk every day. I love the following definitions from Webster’s Dictionary and the bible:

Webster’s definition of Grace noun 1. A state of sanctification by God. 2. Elegance and beauty of movement or expression. 3. A sense of propriety and consideration for others. 4. A disposition to kindness and compassion; benign good will

The Bible’s definition of Grace (1.) Of form or person (Prov. 1:9; 3:22; Ps. 45:2). (2.) Favor, kindness, friendship (Gen. 6:8; 18:3; 19:19; 2 Tim. 1:9). (3.) God's forgiving mercy (Rom. 11:6; Eph. 2:5).

Webster’s definition of Faith noun 1. A strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny. 2. Complete confidence in a person or plan etc. 3. Institution to express belief in a divine power. 4. Loyalty or allegiance to a cause or a person.

The Bible’s definition of Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind of the truth. (Phil. 1:27; 2 Thess. 2:13). Its primary idea is trust. A thing is true, and therefore worthy of trust. Faith is the result of teaching (Rom. 10:14-17). Knowledge is an essential element in all faith, and is sometimes spoken of as an equivalent to faith (John 10:38; 1 John 2:3).

It is hard for us to suffer; we often ask ourselves why we have to go through these trials and why we are not good enough. God wants to give us our ingredients; He wants to show us what we are made of.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Different Kinds of Chocolate

Just like men, there are so many different kinds of chocolate to choose from. They range from the generic; waxy and granular, all the way to the designer variety; rich and smooth and all the ones in between. I grew up in California and my favorites were See's, Ghiradelli and Godiva. I absolutely love truffles and the darker the better, it is richer and the flavor is beyond description.

Chocolate is so much like men!

White chocolate...well we already know this is a fake, phony, fraud, impostor...
I have dated too many of these. They are the smooth talker; tell you what you want to hear. This guy convinces you that he is something that he is not. He talks the talk but cannot walk the walk if you know what I mean.

Milk chocolate...smooth and a little waxy. It leaves a film in your mouth that you cannot get rid of. Yeah...enough said. It is the dime store chocolate, or the dime a dozen men. he is predictable and straight forward, what you see is what you get, but do you really want it? In the end, are you really going to be satisfied?

Dark chocolate...creamy, rich, REAL.
This man is mature, stable and honest. The percentage sign is a strong indicator of what you get on this one. I have found that most run of the mill chocolates (and men) are not confident enough to display that they are real quality. A real man has no problem admitting what he is made of.

I just recently went from white chocolate to dark chocolate. What a difference it made! My 'white' chocolate talked a good game, convinced me he loved God and me and was ready to start a life working in ministry together. I kept waiting for that to happen, for five long years, and what it boiled down to was that he cheated on me the whole time and kept making excuses for his actions and blaming me.

My 'dark' chocolate is nothing like him. In fact he is the exact opposite. He is older, more mature, committed to his life and everything in it. he is stable and when he says something he means it. He is good, honest and pure. This is the chocolate you can trust to the very last bite.

Philippians 1:9-10"And this is my prayer:that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may also be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ"

God wants us to make choices; He gave us willpower and the ability to think for ourselves. We have options so that we can look at each individual and situation and decide what is best for us ACCORDING TO HIS WILL FOR US.

May your chocolate be rich and pure! Enjoy!

Monday, April 13, 2009


You know when you go to the ice cream shop and you add a topping but the candy is not the real stuff. I hate that. The gummies are not ‘the’ gummies and the M&M’s are razzles. Yuck! Why do the candy companies fake it and make us think they are something other then what they really are?

It is not so different with people. You can look at someone on the surface and listen to the things they say and get the impression that they are a good, Godly person, sincere in their walk with Christ. However, as time goes by, you learn that they are not what they appear.

I hate dishonesty, and I firmly believe there is a difference between lying and sinning, even though lying is a sin itself. I have no problem admitting that I am a sinner, I sin every single day and I do not try to hide it or pretend that I do not. As a Christian, I know that people look at my walk and me closely and scrutinize every move I make. I do not want to tell people my walk is right on when in all honesty that could not be further from the truth. I love the song by Matthew West, “ The Motions”, I see so many people doing that every day and it breaks my heart. I pray that when people see me that they see me as honest and as a sinner.

I think that when Christians take on the responsibility of being leaders among their piers, they need to be accountable for what they do and say. It is not enough to say ‘my walk is straight’ ‘God is moving in my life’ or ‘I am following God’s will to serve’. Your actions must follow and if you are doing things behind closed doors and telling the church your life is upright, you are a hypocrite and you not only ruin your testimony but you affect the church as well, most importantly you cause non-believers to stumble and draw further away from God.

It is better say, ‘I’m a razzle. I strive to be an M&M one day, but for now, this is who I am, take me or leave me.’ More often then not, people are going to take you because you did not try to pretend to be something other then yourself, sins and all. You will earn a lot more respect and God will use what you see as failures to His advantage.

There were so my verses that I thought about including, but when I came across this one, it really hit home. Joel 2:12 “Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” It does not matter to God what we look like or act like, even now, in our present existence, He calls for us, believers who know the gospel, to RETURN to Him and turn away from the lies and sin of the world. We can never find happiness on our own, it is only through God. Only God.

Even now, I am a sinner, my walk is not perfect and it never will be, but God can use me anyway.